oh the craziness

I just finished watching the ESPN special on the Auburn/Alabama rivalry. It was more depressing than interesting for me... it was a harsh reminder of what people are willing to do or say for the football team they love. I should have counted the number of times the word HATE was used. We were compared to the Israelites and Palestinians. There were stories of an Alabama coach receiving death threats from his own fans after 3 consecutive loses to Auburn, a former Auburn coach stating "NOTHING is bigger than Auburn" (nothing? really?), and then, the all too famous Harvey Updyke.

That man LOVES him some Alabama football. On this documentary, he proudly showed his collection of over 50 Alabama hats. His children have been given Crimson Tide themed names. He stated that after the iron bowl last year he felt like someone had reached inside his chest and ripped his heart out (dramatic much?). And then, he was so incredibly angry at Auburn after that game that he decided his revenge would be aimed at 130 year old trees, accompanied by absolutely no remorse. Why did he do it? "There's just too much Bama in me." What?!?

So yes, he may in fact be crazy. But he is also extremely passionate, loyal, etc and head over heels in love with one certain thing. This analogy was brought up in church today. What if I loved Christ so much that people thought I was a little nutso? I mean, I'm not going to go and take up herbiciding but the Bible does say that Christians will be persecuted for their faith. If I really took a stand for Jesus would I lose relationships that I value? Would I put my education or future job at risk? Probably wouldn't be putting my life in jeopardy too much in good ole Mobile, AL/Bible belt territory, but that happens every day to Christians around the world. You bring up traveling I've done, college football, J Crew, Disney World, etc... I'll talk your ear off about any one of those worldly subjects and many more. But I wanna be the crazy kid that talks about Jesus all the time, because I should be blown away by how much he loves me. And what would my reasoning be for the craziness?

"There's just too much Jesus in me."

Love it!

my motel drama

Staying in hotels by myself has brought to memory my first (and only until now) lone hotel night, when I was interviewing for medical school at UAB. I remember driving in at night in awe of the skyline, and my hotel was located up on top of a hill where I'd have an awesome view of the city. I walked in, approached the front desk, and said, I'm checking in!

They immediately handed over a key and said you're in room XXX and your roommate is X. Come again? My WHAT?! At first I thought it was a joke, but after realizing they weren't laughing. I said, 'a roommate??' to which they replied 'yeah, you thought you'd have a room to yourself?" In the next few moments, my female brain did not disappoint, I had about 17 different thoughts going on at one time- how can I have a roommate, they didn't say anything about that on hotels.com?? what if this roommate is a grown man?? I was so looking forward to a night by myself to relax before tomorrow? I've already paid for this room so what can I do now? They can't MAKE me have a roommate, can they? My moments of despair was interrupted by

'you're with this group, aren't you?'

I look around to see a big group of adults, that looked like a mix between wannabe bikers and ex-inmates.

'No....' I replied to which another hotel worker said, yeah... I didn't think you looked the part. So I was then checked into my private room and it was not too bad. I feasted on a Sonic dinner and watched a Lifetime movie. Probably the only lifetime movie I've ever watched, and it was depressing. So maybe bad choice there... But fairly good stay. UNTIL... I woke up in the morning and there was no hot water coming out of the faucet. Called front desk, oh it was out. For the whole entire hotel. So I don't remember what exactly I did this morning to get ready, but I did not shower. I also was rejected at UAB. Coincidence? Maybe not....

interview extravaganza: week 1

So 8 days, 1150 miles, 6 beds, 5 cities, and 3 interviews later, I'm halfway through my big interview stretch. Have to say, I've having a BLAST. I'm staying in NICE hotels for free, eating at fancy restaurants (again, for free), and road tripping and traveling all around the east coast. I think the money I've spent on gas has probably been made up for by the amount of free food I have received. And it's been awesome. Not for the waistline though, after thanksgiving might have to start being better. Don't even really mind the interviewing. Peds people are pretty nice across the board, so mostly everything is laid back and friendly.

Things I've did last week

-Visited the beach!

-Went hiking in the mountains outside of Greenville. 4.4 miles, I felt pretty awesome. And it was beautiful!

-Went to Athens for the Auburn game (Not the most enjoyable game ever, but fun regardless).

-Drove hours upon hours... Probably close t0 20 hours so far? But that includes my detours (getting lost) and driving around for an extended amount of time in Charleston looking for a parking place (must be trained on how to parallel park and also to navigate busy downtown areas). I have never driven more than from Auburn and back to Mobile by myself but I've actually enjoyed road tripping it. Very surprised. I've got a sweet karaoke mix going of songs I could only belt out if I'm by myself, listening to Bossypants by Tina Fey on audio- Hilarious!, made some phone calls to friends and family, and then the getting lost keeps you entertained too. Also, the trees lining the interstate are absolutely gorgeous. Every different shade of yellow, orange, and red you can imagine.

-Visited with several people that graduated from USA, people have been very hospitable to let me come and stay a night or two!

-So far I've interviewed in Columbia, Charleston, and Greenville SC. Tomorrow is Augusta, GA and Charlotte and Wake forest are also this week.

I'm also realizing things I'm gonna miss. Family of course, and I've made some of my best friends these past 3.5 years, I can only hope we all end up at the same place (obviously not gonna happen, maybe the same area of the country?). And what a gift to be surrounded by Auburn people everywhere in Mobile. While I was in Greenville I got hopeful every time I saw orange, but of course it was always Clemson. I appreciate the football enthusiasm regardless though. But wherever I go, maybe I will be able to find an Auburn crew.

DID YOU KNOW...

In augusta, people in tiny houses can rent it out for a week to people coming in for the masters for 3 grand?!? And If you have a super fancy house you can get 40 grand?? For one week!! Noted.

Alive (Mary Magdalene)- Natalie Grant

Who but You
Could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies
And dream of me?

What kind of love
Is writing my story till the end
With Mercy's Pen?
Only You.

What kind of King
Would choose to wear a crown
that bleeds and scars
To win my heart.

What kind of Love
Tells me I'm the reson He can't stay
Inside the grave

You.
Is it You?
Standing here before my eyes
Every part of my heart cries.

Chorus:

Alive, Alive
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won!

Alive, Alive
Hallelujah risen Lord
The only one I fall before
I am His
because He is
Alive.

Who could speak

and send the demons back from where they came

with just one Name?

What other heart

would let itself be broken every time

until He healed mine?

You.

Only You

could turn my darkness into dawn;

running right into Your arms

Alive! Alive!

Look what Mercy’s overcome;

Death has lost and Love has won

Alive! Alive!

Hallelujah, Risen Lord,

the only One I fall before
I am His because He is...

Emmanuel, the promised King

the baby who made angels sing
Son of Man who walked with us,

healing, breathing in our dust
The author of all history,

the answer to all mysteries
The Lamb of God who rolled away,

the stone in front of every grave

well....

I've been kind of mad at God lately... and afraid to say that out loud to anyone not knowing if that was an acceptable thing to say. I've been bitter for having the same struggles that get me down over and over again, when I wish he didn't make me that way or atleast wish that he could change those things about me. Last night at dinner I was talking to a friend about it, and she reminded me that we're in a relationship with God. That means talking about the things that are bothering us. So I'm mad? Tell Him! Maybe it's ok to have an angry conversation with God (plug for the following book, angry conversations with God that I mayyyy have just bought!). And I did.... I've done a lot of praying today. Just about everything that's been weighing on me and why I don't understand it. I still don't have those answers but I know I need to be spending a lot more time reading my Bible and praying. This afternoon, I turned on the radio and the following four songs played in succession. I really listened to the words and couldn't help think God perfectly picked those songs for me to hear right then. If you wanna hear them too (they are excellent), click on the title to go to a youtube video.

Allelujah- The Museum

When hardship comes to prey on hopes
And troubles seem to linger on
When death rolls on taking ones we love
You are the hope that keeps us on

When all this seems the battles lost

And such disease is spreading on
When life grows dark and our lips are parched
You are the hope that we sing of

When death is past and sins are gone
Alas forgiveness here is won
All daughters and sons we will stand as one
We're safe at last in the Father's love

Alleluia, Thine the glory
Alleluia, Amen
Alleluia, Thine the glory
Revive us again

Lift me Up- The Afters

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love

Suitcases- Dara Maclean

How can you move when they’re weighing you down
What can you do when you’re tied to the ground, yeah
You carry your burdens, heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there’s freedom in release

You can’t run when you’re holding suitcases
It’s a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart
Lay down your guard, you don’t have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There’s a better way when you know you’re forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don’t have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it’s like to be free
Well, send those bags packing, they’re not what you need
Abandon your troubles on the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

There’s nothing hold you back now, just run

Where I Belong- Building 429

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

Hi! Remember me? I've been pretty awful with this thing for awhile now. Maybe I'll try and be better. Update on life, just applied to 17 pediatric residency programs last week, got my first interview offer this AM, now just sitting back and waiting for more to see where I'll end up! It's scary, but also super exciting. Besides Austin, TX all of the places are in the southeast so hopefully I can keep from getting too far away. Right now I'm doing a month rotation in the pediatric ward which for the most part has been lovely. I just love the kiddies. I have 1.5 weeks there before I move onto something else.

One thing I've been convicted about recently is loving people. Totally not a new concept or a thing I've just realized I have a problem doing. Instead it was just shown to me in a new light. At community group a few weeks ago the topic of heaven was brought up. Something that really isn't talked about much at all, which is crazy. We don't know much about the details, but hello it's heaven! Perfection! All the troubles that we deal with now, gone. Worshipping Christ in person. Kind of scary to think about being in His presence? Read Revelation 4 and 5, one of my favorite parts of the Bible. So heaven=awesome. And as Christians we shall be there for eternity. Imagine eternity as a never ending line. And our life on Earth? One teeny tiny dot located on that line. So in a million billion years, think I'm going to look back and say, 'man. I'm glad I made a big deal out of the time that person hurt my feelings. Really glad I was passive aggressive and wouldn't talk to them, glad I made them feel like a bad person for what they did. Looking back on it, so worth it??' I'm thinking no... Instead what if in a million billion years I could say, hey you, I'm glad you are here with me in heaven! I really showed you the love of Christ in that situation by forgiving you and just loving you. And through that you you came to know him better or maybe even came to know him for the first time and then you did the same thing for others! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rejoicing with my friend standing next to me, not looking back on who did me wrong when I was on Earth. Or looking back on the other things I deem so important, like fitting into my lovely Limited dress that I bought 1 year ago but now am unable to wear, or the grades I made in med school, or how delicious pizza from Papa John's is (leading to problem of being unable to wear limited dress, but that's off subject), or how exciting it was to go to the national championship game, or which social events I did and did not get an invite to, etc. It just all pales in comparision to the relationships we form and being Christ to those around us and telling others about how awesome He is because that's the kind of thing that we will take with us forever. All I do is go through my day thinking me, me, me. If I sit back and think about it, it's frightening how selfish I am. It's human nature of course, but I really need Jesus' help to overcome that human nature and live like I'm called to live. Because, its waay obvious that I can't do it on my own.

For the past 3 weeks I have been studying for the 2nd part of my boards which I take next Saturday in Birmingham. It has been rough. Times where I am way burned out and can't answer another question. Bloodshot eyes from staring at the computer screen for hours on end. Vitamin D deficiency from never seeing the light of day. Sporadic bouts of depression from my severe lack of human contact. Today my fortune cookie said "Give yourself some rest, you need it." How perfect! But one good thing about all this studying is I get constant reminders of how amazing God is. In so many ways. Have you ever thought how does a heart keep beating for 70+ years? It never takes a break. If it does, you're in big trouble. In a moment's time I'm thinking about what I want to write and somehow that's conveyed as my fingers type it away. As scary as it is learning about pregnancy and embryologic development and the multitude of things that can go wrong, how amazing is it that the vast majority of babies turn out just perfect?? I just read a quote, what if you woke up tomorrow morning and only had the things you thanked God for yesterday? Eek! When's the last time I said, thanks for the hair on my head or taste buds or fingernails? It's quite mind boggling to think that people do not believe in God. I took a whole course in college on Cell biology. A cell. The basic unit of life. And we are made of a mere 100 trillion of them. Crrrazy. Ok back to the learning!

red rain strikes again!

Sometimes when I'm in surgery and I get edged out by someone higher up on the totem pole than me so I can't see anything... or when I'm retracting while meticulous and unexciting work is being done... I daydream. About the meal I missed while being in surgery, what it will be like to not have to wake up before 5am, things like that. But also in my head, I've been constructing a list, something like '100 reasons why I will never be a surgeon.' I think 2 months of surgery rotation is just the perfect time for me, because I have liked it for the most part but anything more might just have done me in. I'm on CVT right now, and they do some boring loooong surgeries and they make you get up too early but they also do some really cool stuff. I mean, who has gotten to see/hold a beating heart inside someone's chest? ME! Today I was in surgery with a certain attending dubbed the name 'red rain.' Why? Because he likes to make it rain. There's just a little bit of pressure getting blood through the arteries, and if you have to cut into one, most surgeons like to clamp them pretty quickly or else blood goes shooting everywhere. And it can shoot pretty far, several feet. However, this surgeon is so apathetic to the event of someone else's blood jetting onto his face that he just lets it rain for a moment. Or several moments. This OR room when he was finished was not for the faint of heart and the poor resident's neck had been victimized also. I managed to get out of there unharmed. Tomorrow we have 3 surgeries, and next week we have some really cool things we'll be working on. One is a suspected teratoma they gotta cut out. If you don't know what that is, please see the following picture. tertoma . It this tumor that can contain crazy things like teeth and hair. Its digusting but also awesome. Stay tuned for my thrilling end of surgery rotation blog.

already but not yet

First thing, I am on my last rotation of 3rd year with 2 weeks to go. Crazyy. I've liked this last rotation alright (surgery), but I have missed my morning quiet time a lot. Having to be at the hospital before 6 has knocked it out. And I haven't been great about finding time later in the day to make up for it. Not that I've turned into a terrible person, but I definitely can tell a difference when I'm not spending time every day in the word. Lesson learned, life changes and you gotta roll with the punches! When I don't have to be at work til 8am and all I have to do before then is get myself ready, not too hard to wake up and read for awhile. Life won't always be like that but I should never put my #1 on the back burner.

Last week at church we talked about Romans 7. Paul says "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." Amen, brother! I have always read this and thought, thats exactly how I feel! But for the first time I thought about WHO was saying this. Paul. The man who wrote a majority of the New Testament. The man who traveled all over telling people about Christ. The man who was beaten, stoned, and put in prison for Christ. The man who loved Jesus so much he longed for death to be with Him. The man who eventually became a martyr for his faith. Wow! I would have not thought I could relate to that guy. You'd think he would never mess up! But he struggled with the same exact thing every other Christian struggles with- our flesh. We are new creations in Christ, but we are slightly schizophrenic, 2 personalities in one. Flesh vs Spirit. Vs 25 says "I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." Sin goes and takes advantage of our flesh weakness because it can. It's a constant battle pulling us in the exact opposite direction of where we want/need to go. I often feel guilty because I just can't seem to get certain things right. I'll say I need to stop a certain sin, and then later on I find myself doing just that. Or else there's something I know I need to be doing, and yet I don't do it.

So yeah, that kind of sucks. But yey! I read a commentary that said if I can identify with Paul in this, I am blessed! When we struggle that hardly means we aren't living for Him, it's only proof that we are longing to live in Christ because we recognize the sin in our life. In fact, the Christian that doesn't see the struggle is more alarming. We have to hate sin before we are to turn from it. Until we reach the end of ourselves we aren't going to look to God. What if we all agonized over our condition like Paul did?

So what do we do? How do we fix it? Well, we can't. But good news, He can! I loved this analogy... A woman was once paralyzed in a diving accident and taken into the hospital. As she was lying on the bed, the sheet covering her body fell off exposing her to those in the room. She desperately wanted to cover herself but couldn't do it in her own power. So I have these silly sins in my life I want to fix. Turns out, I can't fix them myself. As much as I try like this woman did, my body will not do what I want it to, and worse, it's obeying something else! We do what we despise, and what we desire we can't accomplish. We cannot and will not be able to do it on our own. It'll only lead to frustration and failure. It's all about the grace. I don't have what it takes to get my heart to where I want it to be, so who will rescue me if I can't do it in my own efforts? Thanks be to God- thought Jesus Christ our Lord! He can deliver me and everytime I get to the place of sin I must depend on Him and cry out, I can't do it but you can! He will empower me to live differently and experience victory. I still will fall and thats OK, because I can get back up again and rely on Him to keep me moving towards being conformed to be like Jesus. Day by day being made new.

I am already new in Christ but not yet to the finish line. But He will complete what he began. God's intention is not to leave me in the power of sin but He wants me to be transformed. Slowly but surely.

colossians

I recently finished a girl's bible study on the book of colossians. I adore the woman that has been leading the bible study, God uses her to teach me things that make me smile because it's something I so needed to hear THAT day. The last night was over colossians 3 and 4 which is a lot of goodness, but the beginning says we must set our hearts on things above, and put to death the things that we used to hold close- 'sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed'. When you put it that way, I want to put to death those things too! They sound pretty yucky but obviously can have quite the appeal or else I wouldn't be needing to put anything to death. He goes on to list some more things- 'anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language'.

The one that got me most was slander. Making a damaging/ malicious statement against someone. I love ephesians 4:29 which says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." But do I do this? Nope! I should only be speaking of others in a way that builds them up, choosing NOT to say anything that will hurt their reputation. Whether that's a mean resident/attending in the hospital or a friend that has hurt my feelings or a complete stranger that may have done something that I could make fun of... we've all heard it best said- if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all! One point that really got me, who are the people in my life that I should only talk to God about? I have a great Christian girlfriend and I find myself talking to her about things or people I have struggles with, and I use the excuse that I am looking for advice when deep down I'm just wanting to vent. I got to learn my lesson with this just a few days after the bible study. And it ended in someone getting their feelings hurt and me feeling just awful about it. When if I would have remembered ephesians 4:29 and remembered that I should only go to God when I have frustrations with another person, I would have not hurt a really great friend. I should never make someone pay for the sins they committed against me. Whether that be me going and talking to someone else about them, or refusing to forgive them, or giving them the cold shoulder, etc... I must remember that God never made me pay for the sins I committed, instead he paid them for me.

Another point made was there are 2 ways to live the Christian life. One is defeated- giving in to a certain sin because you believe it is just too hard to give up. And second is victorious- knowing at every decision point he can enable us not to sin! How great is that? Not that we won't sin, because we sure still do. But we do have the power deep within, Christ's power, to say no to the temptation. We're still human so the flesh will always be trying to drag us in the opposite direction. I can think of many times in the past week where I've been at the decision point to not say something hurtful to someone's character. Just at dinner tonight I can think of several instances! I have the voice saying in my head, ehhhh you could probably just keep this one to yourself! Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I need the strength in those moments to depend on the Holy Spirit to empower me not to take the bait and sin.

vs 12-14

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with

compassion (deep awareness of other's needs),

kindness (actively caring for others, not looking for us to be cared for),

humility (knowing we're in the same spot as everyone else, I am no better than them),

gentleness and patience (not expecting others to be sanctified at the speed I think they should be).

¹³Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I haven't posted in awhile, life changed pretty drastically three weeks ago when I started surgery. Went from 5 hour days to 13 hour days. Went from working one weekend on psych for an average of 4 hours, to being on 24 hour call every 4th day. So I've already done 5 days of 6am-6am, only one more to go, woo! So yeah, surgery has been quite the time commitment! I was worried about being miserable, but I've kinda liked it! I've spent most of my time so far on Trauma, where we wait around for trauma alerts to come in. This is anything from a wreck to a gunshot wound to a fall that is critical enough that it deserves a lot of attention. When you are a trauma alert, either EMS or an ambulance brings you to the hospital. They roll you in and you get moved to the trauma bay bed. Immediately all your clothes are cut off and about 10 people stand around you (with more watching), poking you to see where you hurt, asking you questions (if you can answer them), sticking you with needles, yelling things to each other- 'breath sounds clear and equal! pelvis stable! C spine clear!' Then if you are stable they roll you off the CT and Xray too if you need it. If you're not stable you might have to be taken back to emergency surgery. Then from there, broken bones are fixed, lacerations are sutured, internal injuries are monitored to make sure they don't worsen... It's not a place anyone wants to end up. I mean, you'll get good care. But you never want to have to be there. I've made a mental list of things I should NEVER DO that I might avoid ever being a trauma alert. They include

#1- going seat belt-less. The majority of the people we see are unrestrained drivers or passengers, sometimes ejected sometimes not. And probably the people that did wear seat belts that come in would be dead at the scene without it! It's just crazy. It's such a simple thing!! I had that drilled into my brain as a kid, so it's never been a problem for me. I can remember my sister bursting into tears when she was little because my mother had started backing out of the driveway and she didn't have her seat belt on yet.

#2- ride a motorcycle. These things are death machines, people. Don't do it! ATVs also very bad news.

#3- hang out with the wrong crowd- gunshot wounds and stab wounds galore.

#4- go to a gas station at night- there have been several gas stations that have been robbed lately. Also good rule of thumb, don't go anywhere at any time of the day near USA hospital.

#5- dont be drunk and do stupid things. Driving for starters, like this one dude that was drunk and drove off a bridge. Or think that you are coordinated enough to stand on something high off the ground. You aren't, you're gonna fall off, trust me. Drugs go in this category too. There's a terribly sick patient who got hit by a car who probably had drugs on board.

#6- don't breed evil. I saw a woman who had 2 huge slashes on her face that were bleeding a lot. Why? Her daughter cut her. Frightening...

#7- for the love of all things good and pure, definitely don't combine any of these things!! That's even more recipe for disaster!

It's sad. A lot of these people won't ever be normal again. There's many of them that have limited to no brain function, living off machines. It's scary how in a second your life and everyone around you's life can change so drastically. And it can happen to anyone... so be careful out there! And there's exceptions to the rules. The only pediatric trauma alert we had was a boy who had gotten hit by a car. Even though he wasn't able to talk after first coming in, I got pretty attached to him in the 3 hours I was there. Made me remember how much cooler kids are than adults. I went to go visit him last week at the children's hospital and thankfully he's doing a lot better so hopefully he'll be ok.

I still have 5 more weeks of surgery, but I think I'm gonna make it without losing my mind or becoming too depressed.

when all means fail

With all the mess that has happened and is happening right now in Alabama and around, I thought this blog entry was very appropriate. Yesterday David Wilkerson, a pastor of a church in NYC, wrote this. He also died yesterday in an car accident.

When All Means Fail

The first few times I heard the song blessings by laura story, I thought it sounded really cheesy so I never really listened to it. I was like, whyyy is she singing about rainbows? But then I actually read the lyrics. Wow. Pretty dead on. When the most treasured things in our lives are taken from us, its hard to see that as blessings. Or his 'mercies in disguise'. And truly this side of heaven we may never understand why we were brought through certain trials. He may reveal it to us, he may not. But he loves us way too much to give us lesser things. I know there are lots of things I can look back on and say that sucked when I was there, but man am I glad it happened that way. God knew what he was doing- surprise, surprise. There are others things I can't do that about yet. Or I can look at things in others people's lives and it doesn't make much sense to me either. But so great one of the last lines in this song, that our pain, our achings in this life, are just showing us we weren't made for this world! We don't fit in just right... so of course life isn't gonna be perfect. Far from it. But oh just wait.

Blessings

We pray for blessings We pray for peace Comfort for family, protection while we sleep We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things ‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea You long that we'd have faith to believe When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not our home What if my greatest disappointments Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are your mercies in disguise

oh the wonders of caffeine

Let me tell you the great thing about the past 2 months- it's been like a vacay. After I finished peds (tear...), I moved on to neuro. I am no big fan of neurology to say the least, but I sure did love this rotation. It was eeezzzzzzzz. I may not have learned anything, and it may seem kind of like a waste of tuition money when I didn't get anything out of it, but I do have my best grade of med school to show for it. Doesn't make too much sense, but such is life.

Then I moved on to psych. Psych I love. Also has been kind of a cake walk. I have learned a ton more, was given a lot of freedom to make decisions, doing doctor-y like things. However, half way through the rotation my attending had a bit of a ruptured appendix, so for a while we were basically working with the residents and they were good to let us go pretty early. But then I got moved to working with a child psychiatrist. Outpatient stuff, not getting to do anything, but cool because it's kids and the doc is teaching me a lot. Still working very few hours. This whole rotation I haven't come close to working 8 hours a day. I may say more about psych another day...

Needless to say, I haven't been needing/depending too much on caffeine lately. I'm not a big caffeine person to begin with, maybe a starbuck's frappuccino or a diet coke from time to time. Tonight after dinner I decided to stop by starbs, since I wanted to do some studying. I got a grande mocha lite frappuccino. Yum. That was seven thirty. IT IS NOW THREE FORTY FIVE. Glad tomorrow is saturday and I have no plans but to sleep in... So I'm currently catching up on the latest infomercials, you know they just don't show enough of those during the day! I may retry to sleep pretty soon here, but I feel like I could keep going.

Surgery here I come. I hope the caffeine will work for me then as good as it did for me tonight. I will be needing it.

Isaiah 53- take two.

A servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away.

We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off— and did anyone really know what was happening?

He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.

Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him. Out of that terrible travail of soul, he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it. Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant, will make many "righteous ones," as he himself carries the burden of their sins.

Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly— the best of everything, the highest honors— because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch, because he embraced the company of the lowest. He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many, he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

isaiah 53

¹ Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
⁸ By oppression^[a] and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.^[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes^[c] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life^[d] and be satisfied^[e];
by his knowledge^[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,^[g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,^[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Is this real life?

David after Dentist

Don't complain about the thorns on roses, be thankful for roses among the thorns.

The inspiration of this post is a lady named Fanny. Fanny Crosby. She lived a looong life- died in 1915 just before her 95th birthday! (i feel like i've been around a good while, that's my life x 4!) In her 95 years she wrote over 8,000 hymns. eight. thousand. Maybe you've heard of To God be the Glory? Or Blessed Assurance? Good tunes. On her 92nd birthday she said "if in all the world you can find a happier person than I am, do bring him to me. I should like to shake his hand." What a cool chica! Oh, by the by, little small thing. No big deal, but she lost her sight at 6 weeks of age. Completely. She never saw a sunset, never knew what her husband or children looked like, never saw a thing in this world. I may not have 20/20 vision but I can walk from here to the door without bumping into anything (probably), I can pick up my Bible and read the words, I can sit down and watch a movie with my roomies. I can drive a car. I can become a doctor. Oh man could she have used that to get some pity. But look at what wisdom she had at age 8 when she wrote the following poem:

Oh what a happy soul I am,

Although I cannot see;

I am resolved that in this world

Contented I will be.

How many blessings I enjoy,

That other people don't;

To weep and sigh because I'm blind,

I cannot, and I won't.

How great is that? Later in her life she said "It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me." And even cooler this realization- "when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior." Love it!

Philippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice." Fanny is such an awesome example of this! If she had started writing hymns at birth, that would be about 84 hymns a year, more than one a week. That's a lot of rejoicing. Man, do I need help with this! I don't rejoice always! I don't even always rejoice in the good things I should be rejoicing about, i definitely don't rejoice in the little annoyances of the day, and hands down, not rejoicing in the hard hits that come my way. But oh do I have so much to rejoice about. Plus the simple truth that God has this amazing plan for my life. So that everything that comes my way, big or small, good or bad, its not all just chance happenings, God ordained it to be because He is GOD and He knows us better than we know ourselves! The things that don't make sense, they make sense to Him. What would it be like to look at a hinderance so great as blindness and say, "I never wanted sight! It would only be a distraction from my worship of God!"

I have a friend who has dealt with something heavy their whole life. It be so easy to say woe is me, and I'm sure people would take pity on them. Yet you almost forget about their battle because they never complain. It's a truly endearing quality about them. I doubt they so much see it as an entirely good thing, but hopefully they can see the good that has come from it. How that struggle has been a part of shaping their life, and the lives that they've been able to touch and will touch and CAN touch in the future in a way that you and I could just not do because we haven't been in that same boat. And I am talking about one specific person but really it could be anyone because we all have our own battles. What if Ms Fanny had been bitter towards God for taking her sight from her and just sat back and let people care for her her whole life? And what if she hadn't been blind? Would she still have become a songwriter or would she have pursued other things that she couldn't do due to her blindness? Countless numbers of people have been touched by the words of her hymns. God had a plan.

Now we can rejoice always and NOT necessarily be happy in all situations. You won't find a verse in the Bible that says, Be happy always! I'd rather be happy always, but stuff happens. Really really devastating things happen. If a loved one died and I was just bubbling with happiness and acting completely normal, something would be wrong with me. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that depends on the circumstances of our lives. Joy is not. It's something so much deeper that comes from faith in Christ and Him becoming a part of us. It's delighting in Him who has died for us and loves us more than we can imagine. And that will not change. The joy of the Lord is our strength! John 15:11 shows He wants His joy to remain in us and for that joy to be full. May we know the joy God has to offer us and may we remember that joy and rejoice through the trials of life because of a Savior that is always faithful.

Be this the purpose of my soul,

My solemn, my determined choice;

To yield to God's supreme control,

And in my every trial rejoice.

-Anon

all you need is love

So I'm going to a girl's bible study and we just started on colossians, and I wanted to share something we talked about last night. Something that I need a lot of help with. LUV.

How are people suppose to know that we as Christians are different? John 13:34-35 tells us by loving others as He loved us. How did He love us? Unconditionally. Without limit. With an extreme love that is beyond our understanding. Imagine the following- you are completely innocent but wrongly accused of something someone else has done aaaand the penalty is death. You know EXACTLY who the real culprit is and you even have all the evidence you need to prove them guilty. Yet you say nothing. So far sounds like something I would never do but just wait.. Then you're getting ready to be put to death in front of a crowd of people. And there is that person. Pointing and laughing. Saying hateful things about you. Turning their back on you as you die. And you still say nothing, fully knowing that person may never understand or appreciate what you did for them, or feel any remorse or be sorry. What if it wasn't just one random person, but every single person you've ever loved? And that you thought loved you? We tend to focus on the physical pain of Christ dying on the cross and sure it was a horrifying death but can you imagine what kind of emotional pain that caused? Taking on the weight of the sins of the world, a world that is enemies of God? Even if we're Christians we've all been enemies of God at some point. We've all not loved him, even hated him (James 4:4). Can't be friends with the world and loving God at the same time. I'd say I'm pretty friendly with a lot of worldly things. Like BFF kind of friendly. And Jesus came and died for us who would at best constantly choose sin over Him (by the second), at worst would reject His name forever even doing all in their power to destroy Him and His people while on earth. In that moment, hanging on a cross, who has ever deserved to be more angry, more resentful, more frustrated, to just say I give up, yall ain't worth it! And now every time we sin to look back and say, hello? Do you so easily forget that I did this for you? And to point out every fault, every way we have hurt Him. Or to say, sorry. You lost your chance, that's it. Nope! He loves us regardless. We are in a constant state of being loved and there's nothing we can do or not do that could ever change that. It's a love we can't even fathom.

Last year I had dermabrasion done. It "smooths" the skin aka they sandpapered off the majority of my face. If you'd like to see something gross, I'll send you a picture of what I looked like after they did it. Scratch that, I'll just go ahead and swallow my pride and post a picture on here...

SICK. Lemme tell you, I would not do this again and I wouldn't have done it if I'd have known what it entailed. My face was so raw for the next week it hurt to touch, to shower, to do anything. And it took a lot longer after that before the skin was normal again. Too painful. What if this was God's outlook on us? Looking down at what our world has become and saying if I'd have only known that this was gonna be how things turned out, not worth it. All the pain, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known everyone would still be rejecting me. But he doesn't! If only one person would have been saved by Him coming and dying, that would not have stopped Him. It was never not worth it to Him.

So I John 3:10-11 says LOVE is how the world knows we are children of God. We love one another. Period. Not we love one another... as long as that person loves me in return! Or if they deserve it! Or if they aren't difficult and challenging to love! No way outta this one, no exit clause. Just love. And that is evidence to a watching world that there's something different, that our hearts have been changed. Love regardless because God loved me regardless! Ok so major problem... that's like incredibly hard. Incredibly unnatural for us humans. Colossians 1:11 says that we are being strengthened with ALL power so that we may have great endurance and patience. Endurance to not succumb, to stand firm in the midst of trials, to not give in to what is easy. And patience- "the bearing of annoyance, misfortune, or pain w/o complaint, loss of temper, or irritation"- self restraint, slowness in avenging wrongs, not seeking wrath or revenge, what we think is our rights. I've been hit hard with this patience thing a lot lately. Thanks Jesus! You know I need it bad! haha. When I want to snap back at someone, when I want to walk away from loving someone, when I want someone to know just what they'e done to me! (or atleast tell other people what someone has done to me for a little commiseration), I should stop in that moment. I must ask for patience. (sidenote: just had this image. Jesus, sitting around a table up in heaven with some bros, and saying, 'ugh you won't believe what that girl has done this time' and then everyone around would be like 'yeah, that girl is cray-cray, when's she gonna get her act together? why do you put up with that?'... yeah that doesn't happen. If we're with Christ our sins are forgiven and he sees us white as snow! righteous! (Col 1:22) And those that don't know Him, he's just waiting for them to come to Him and he'll be there with open arms). So God can bestow me with the ability to be patient, to love. We are empowered with the kind of love that Christ loved! Fav verse ever- Ephesians 3:20- his power is at work within us. We can love as he loved and forgive as he forgave. We can extend patience because we're forgiven much and loved much.

This is def convicting to me. I have failed at this time and time again and I will continue to fail at it time and time again. But I know that I'm a work in progress and that God will finish the work He's begun in me (Philippians 1:6). I tend to get overwhelmed by my sin and how far I feel like I have to go. But that's me being impatient again. God doesn't take us and in one second we're suddenly perfect. But I can look back on my life several months ago and see what He's done. And as long as I can continue to do that, as long as I'm moving in the right direction and growing in Him and taking his truths and applying them, then that is all he asks. I still have to convince myself that that's the truth...

shine like the stars

"Rejoice always, pray continually, giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess 5:16-18

"Do everything without complaining or arguing." Phil 2:14-15

You know, some things in the bible are up for interpretation. Some things you really have to think about to understand. Not so much here. These verses are incredibly clear, no wiggle room. Rejoice ALWAYS?? Pray CONTINUALLY? Give thanks in ALL circumstances?? Do EVERYTHING without complaining? When I'm dealing with someone difficult, when I'm in a situation that really isn't fair, when I almost get in a wreck because of someone else's mistake, when my computer breaks, when I get sick, etc, etc. I'm suppose to say, "thank ya jesus!" Thank you for the infestation of bugs in my closet right now. Thank you for the sunburn that won't stop itching. Thank you for the 40 page article I have to read by Monday. Thank you for the tear in the back of my dress that my mother noticed at the very end of the day that might have given some people a show. Yeah, sounds funny, but every situation God has something to teach me. I just have to ask God to reveal to me whatever He's got and help me glorify Him through it. I haven't quite figured out the greater purpose of the sunburn, but I'll get it. And not only thanking and not complaining, but rejoicing! Ok, and those are the bad things. What about the things I take for granted? Thank you for my bed. Thank you for my Bible where I can read these verses. Thank you for my dinner. Thank you that I can go to sleep without worrying about my safety. Thank you when I wake up in the morning. Thank you for shampoo. for a toilet. for hot water. for a roof. for family. for friends. for clothes. for a car. for a church. And the list goes on and on and on and on. So blessed. I forget it a lot. The rest of phil 2:14-15 is pretty awesome. I wanna shineeee. I got a ways to go.

I'm captivated!

"Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

Every thought... man I have a lot of those. I'll start thinking about one thing and about 10 seconds later wonder how I got to what I'm thinking now. This taking captive my thoughts thing is really hard for me! I have a tendency to let Satan feed me his lies and once he's got a foothold he really goes for it. You know, somebody looks at me funny and soon I'm having a pity party because the world hates me. Ha, that's a slight exaggeration but its along those lines. Or If I feel someones wronged me and I start resenting them or thinking badly of them, I've taken the bait. And if we have these thoughts and we dwell on them, we are likely to act on them in a way that will not be so pretty (James 1:14-15). Today's thoughts are tomorrow's actions! What if I made the conscious effort as soon as a thought that is not Christ-like enters my mind that I'm going to stifle it? Satan's good. He knows my weaknesses, he knows my insecurities, he knows just the place to stick the knife in. But lucky for you and me we've got someone so much greater on our side. And the enemy is scared of His name. I like this version of the verse too: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ." How cool is that? Phil 4:8 gives us a pretty clear picture of what our thoughts are suppose to be. So solution! With every thought that comes to mind I need to say, "Ok liz, is what I'm thinking true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy?" HA yeah right. People would either think I had Parkinson's from how slow it would take me to speak or they'd think I was nutso as every few seconds I appeared deep in thought, mouthing the words of that verse. But this, and the entire rest of God's word helps give us an idea of what we should be thinking. So once we know God's thoughts, we can better separate them from Satan's (or ours, which may be one in the same a lot of the time). Sanctification! So when I start getting impatient in traffic, or I get annoyed with the person that made a rude comment, or I'm fearful of saying something about Jesus because I don't want to offend someone, etc... that's when I have to take responsibility of my thoughts. And say be gone!! Cast it out! Have a bible verse to recite at that time or maybe just start praying! God can purge us and cleanse our hearts of the messy things, but we've got to be willing for Him to do it. He can restore and heal us. I have to remember I'm not a victim of my thoughts. And also its good to know that these things I struggle with, the sins that seem so prevalent in my life, they are NOT me. It's a lie of the devil that I am an insecure person. The insecurity is a sin that's being lived out through my body. It's not like I want to be insecure! (Romans 7) And now that I have recognized this sin in my life, whenever I have a thought that is putting my security in something of this world and not in God (and that's a whole other story... I've got lots of those things) I can so "no siree girlfriend, your security is in Christ!" So no one and nothing is gonna take that away from me! And in time, it will get easier. If God and I start fighting this together, we're gonna beat it. It's not instant gratification, but this is the first step- taking our thoughts CAPTIVE and making them give up and obey!! How awesome that we have that power in Christ?

Patience- my nemesis

so i was just reading this psalm...

"how priceless is your unfailing love!

both high and low among men

find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

they feast on the abundance of your house;

you give them drink from your river of delights.

for with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light."

Its all quite lovely, but i got stuck on the verse "feast on the abundance of your house". someone once gave me the illustration that god has this magnificent feast for us but were on our hands and knees on the ground looking for crumbs that may have fallen underneath the table. Sounds pretty dumb right? But that's what we do! We sell god short, or we don't realize what he has to offer, or we think we're content with just the crumbs, or that it's all we deserve... for whatever reason we're missing out BIG TIME. Over Christmas break I talked to some Christian mentors about how I knew I was not walking with the lord anymore and that there were things I had not been willing to give up that I knew were just hedges in my walk. They said we hold onto things so tight sometimes and it's so hard to let go that God has to come in and pry our fingers open and just take whatever it is because we weren't willing to give it up on our own. But it's for our good and for his glory. He's shaping us and making us into the person he wants us to be, and I want to be just that. So some changes have come easier, others God had to do some prying. Serious prying. It hasn't been easy, but it's so incredibly clear that it was for my good. I've been able to fully focus on him with fewer distractions and it's been just awesome. I love my quiet time, before if I did it it was kind of out of habit or to check it off my list? I've prayed so much for god to remove certain sins from my life and he really has! Things I've been struggling with for who knows how long. All around fabulousness.

And now I'm having to pray for something I don't want at all-patience, which if you know me you know I'm terrible at! Waiting at a doctors office, traffic, people who talk slow, people who are slow in general, toaster ovens, commercials, etc. Well now I want to fix a certain situation and I want it fixed now! I guess it's just human nature to want to take care of everything on our own. But certain things in my life right now I can't do a thing about. Not that I havent tried and failed, probably even my efforts have made things worse. I just have to trust in gods timing with it, always keeping in mind that he works for the good of those that love him. So I can have this pretty picture in my head of how I want something to be, and it may look great, but it's not the picture god has in store. I'm still trying to hunt for the crumbs instead of loving Jesus with all my heart, focusing on him, not being strayed by the things of this world and enjoying the feast he has for me.

I don't know about you, but I love food. So this is a good illustration for me. Yum.

bad parents

2 most excellent songs

Chris Rice- Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus)

Casting Crowns- Voice of Truth

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me