when all means fail

With all the mess that has happened and is happening right now in Alabama and around, I thought this blog entry was very appropriate. Yesterday David Wilkerson, a pastor of a church in NYC, wrote this. He also died yesterday in an car accident.

When All Means Fail

The first few times I heard the song blessings by laura story, I thought it sounded really cheesy so I never really listened to it. I was like, whyyy is she singing about rainbows? But then I actually read the lyrics. Wow. Pretty dead on. When the most treasured things in our lives are taken from us, its hard to see that as blessings. Or his 'mercies in disguise'. And truly this side of heaven we may never understand why we were brought through certain trials. He may reveal it to us, he may not. But he loves us way too much to give us lesser things. I know there are lots of things I can look back on and say that sucked when I was there, but man am I glad it happened that way. God knew what he was doing- surprise, surprise. There are others things I can't do that about yet. Or I can look at things in others people's lives and it doesn't make much sense to me either. But so great one of the last lines in this song, that our pain, our achings in this life, are just showing us we weren't made for this world! We don't fit in just right... so of course life isn't gonna be perfect. Far from it. But oh just wait.

Blessings

We pray for blessings We pray for peace Comfort for family, protection while we sleep We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things ‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea You long that we'd have faith to believe When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know that pain reminds this heart That this is not our home What if my greatest disappointments Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are your mercies in disguise

oh the wonders of caffeine

Let me tell you the great thing about the past 2 months- it's been like a vacay. After I finished peds (tear...), I moved on to neuro. I am no big fan of neurology to say the least, but I sure did love this rotation. It was eeezzzzzzzz. I may not have learned anything, and it may seem kind of like a waste of tuition money when I didn't get anything out of it, but I do have my best grade of med school to show for it. Doesn't make too much sense, but such is life.

Then I moved on to psych. Psych I love. Also has been kind of a cake walk. I have learned a ton more, was given a lot of freedom to make decisions, doing doctor-y like things. However, half way through the rotation my attending had a bit of a ruptured appendix, so for a while we were basically working with the residents and they were good to let us go pretty early. But then I got moved to working with a child psychiatrist. Outpatient stuff, not getting to do anything, but cool because it's kids and the doc is teaching me a lot. Still working very few hours. This whole rotation I haven't come close to working 8 hours a day. I may say more about psych another day...

Needless to say, I haven't been needing/depending too much on caffeine lately. I'm not a big caffeine person to begin with, maybe a starbuck's frappuccino or a diet coke from time to time. Tonight after dinner I decided to stop by starbs, since I wanted to do some studying. I got a grande mocha lite frappuccino. Yum. That was seven thirty. IT IS NOW THREE FORTY FIVE. Glad tomorrow is saturday and I have no plans but to sleep in... So I'm currently catching up on the latest infomercials, you know they just don't show enough of those during the day! I may retry to sleep pretty soon here, but I feel like I could keep going.

Surgery here I come. I hope the caffeine will work for me then as good as it did for me tonight. I will be needing it.

Isaiah 53- take two.

A servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away.

We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on him.

He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off— and did anyone really know what was happening?

He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, Even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.

Still, it's what God had in mind all along, to crush him with pain. The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life. And God's plan will deeply prosper through him. Out of that terrible travail of soul, he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it. Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant, will make many "righteous ones," as he himself carries the burden of their sins.

Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly— the best of everything, the highest honors— because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch, because he embraced the company of the lowest. He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many, he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

isaiah 53

¹ Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
⁸ By oppression^[a] and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.^[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes^[c] his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life^[d] and be satisfied^[e];
by his knowledge^[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,^[g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,^[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Is this real life?

David after Dentist

Don't complain about the thorns on roses, be thankful for roses among the thorns.

The inspiration of this post is a lady named Fanny. Fanny Crosby. She lived a looong life- died in 1915 just before her 95th birthday! (i feel like i've been around a good while, that's my life x 4!) In her 95 years she wrote over 8,000 hymns. eight. thousand. Maybe you've heard of To God be the Glory? Or Blessed Assurance? Good tunes. On her 92nd birthday she said "if in all the world you can find a happier person than I am, do bring him to me. I should like to shake his hand." What a cool chica! Oh, by the by, little small thing. No big deal, but she lost her sight at 6 weeks of age. Completely. She never saw a sunset, never knew what her husband or children looked like, never saw a thing in this world. I may not have 20/20 vision but I can walk from here to the door without bumping into anything (probably), I can pick up my Bible and read the words, I can sit down and watch a movie with my roomies. I can drive a car. I can become a doctor. Oh man could she have used that to get some pity. But look at what wisdom she had at age 8 when she wrote the following poem:

Oh what a happy soul I am,

Although I cannot see;

I am resolved that in this world

Contented I will be.

How many blessings I enjoy,

That other people don't;

To weep and sigh because I'm blind,

I cannot, and I won't.

How great is that? Later in her life she said "It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me." And even cooler this realization- "when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior." Love it!

Philippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice." Fanny is such an awesome example of this! If she had started writing hymns at birth, that would be about 84 hymns a year, more than one a week. That's a lot of rejoicing. Man, do I need help with this! I don't rejoice always! I don't even always rejoice in the good things I should be rejoicing about, i definitely don't rejoice in the little annoyances of the day, and hands down, not rejoicing in the hard hits that come my way. But oh do I have so much to rejoice about. Plus the simple truth that God has this amazing plan for my life. So that everything that comes my way, big or small, good or bad, its not all just chance happenings, God ordained it to be because He is GOD and He knows us better than we know ourselves! The things that don't make sense, they make sense to Him. What would it be like to look at a hinderance so great as blindness and say, "I never wanted sight! It would only be a distraction from my worship of God!"

I have a friend who has dealt with something heavy their whole life. It be so easy to say woe is me, and I'm sure people would take pity on them. Yet you almost forget about their battle because they never complain. It's a truly endearing quality about them. I doubt they so much see it as an entirely good thing, but hopefully they can see the good that has come from it. How that struggle has been a part of shaping their life, and the lives that they've been able to touch and will touch and CAN touch in the future in a way that you and I could just not do because we haven't been in that same boat. And I am talking about one specific person but really it could be anyone because we all have our own battles. What if Ms Fanny had been bitter towards God for taking her sight from her and just sat back and let people care for her her whole life? And what if she hadn't been blind? Would she still have become a songwriter or would she have pursued other things that she couldn't do due to her blindness? Countless numbers of people have been touched by the words of her hymns. God had a plan.

Now we can rejoice always and NOT necessarily be happy in all situations. You won't find a verse in the Bible that says, Be happy always! I'd rather be happy always, but stuff happens. Really really devastating things happen. If a loved one died and I was just bubbling with happiness and acting completely normal, something would be wrong with me. Happiness is a fleeting emotion that depends on the circumstances of our lives. Joy is not. It's something so much deeper that comes from faith in Christ and Him becoming a part of us. It's delighting in Him who has died for us and loves us more than we can imagine. And that will not change. The joy of the Lord is our strength! John 15:11 shows He wants His joy to remain in us and for that joy to be full. May we know the joy God has to offer us and may we remember that joy and rejoice through the trials of life because of a Savior that is always faithful.

Be this the purpose of my soul,

My solemn, my determined choice;

To yield to God's supreme control,

And in my every trial rejoice.

-Anon

all you need is love

So I'm going to a girl's bible study and we just started on colossians, and I wanted to share something we talked about last night. Something that I need a lot of help with. LUV.

How are people suppose to know that we as Christians are different? John 13:34-35 tells us by loving others as He loved us. How did He love us? Unconditionally. Without limit. With an extreme love that is beyond our understanding. Imagine the following- you are completely innocent but wrongly accused of something someone else has done aaaand the penalty is death. You know EXACTLY who the real culprit is and you even have all the evidence you need to prove them guilty. Yet you say nothing. So far sounds like something I would never do but just wait.. Then you're getting ready to be put to death in front of a crowd of people. And there is that person. Pointing and laughing. Saying hateful things about you. Turning their back on you as you die. And you still say nothing, fully knowing that person may never understand or appreciate what you did for them, or feel any remorse or be sorry. What if it wasn't just one random person, but every single person you've ever loved? And that you thought loved you? We tend to focus on the physical pain of Christ dying on the cross and sure it was a horrifying death but can you imagine what kind of emotional pain that caused? Taking on the weight of the sins of the world, a world that is enemies of God? Even if we're Christians we've all been enemies of God at some point. We've all not loved him, even hated him (James 4:4). Can't be friends with the world and loving God at the same time. I'd say I'm pretty friendly with a lot of worldly things. Like BFF kind of friendly. And Jesus came and died for us who would at best constantly choose sin over Him (by the second), at worst would reject His name forever even doing all in their power to destroy Him and His people while on earth. In that moment, hanging on a cross, who has ever deserved to be more angry, more resentful, more frustrated, to just say I give up, yall ain't worth it! And now every time we sin to look back and say, hello? Do you so easily forget that I did this for you? And to point out every fault, every way we have hurt Him. Or to say, sorry. You lost your chance, that's it. Nope! He loves us regardless. We are in a constant state of being loved and there's nothing we can do or not do that could ever change that. It's a love we can't even fathom.

Last year I had dermabrasion done. It "smooths" the skin aka they sandpapered off the majority of my face. If you'd like to see something gross, I'll send you a picture of what I looked like after they did it. Scratch that, I'll just go ahead and swallow my pride and post a picture on here...

SICK. Lemme tell you, I would not do this again and I wouldn't have done it if I'd have known what it entailed. My face was so raw for the next week it hurt to touch, to shower, to do anything. And it took a lot longer after that before the skin was normal again. Too painful. What if this was God's outlook on us? Looking down at what our world has become and saying if I'd have only known that this was gonna be how things turned out, not worth it. All the pain, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known everyone would still be rejecting me. But he doesn't! If only one person would have been saved by Him coming and dying, that would not have stopped Him. It was never not worth it to Him.

So I John 3:10-11 says LOVE is how the world knows we are children of God. We love one another. Period. Not we love one another... as long as that person loves me in return! Or if they deserve it! Or if they aren't difficult and challenging to love! No way outta this one, no exit clause. Just love. And that is evidence to a watching world that there's something different, that our hearts have been changed. Love regardless because God loved me regardless! Ok so major problem... that's like incredibly hard. Incredibly unnatural for us humans. Colossians 1:11 says that we are being strengthened with ALL power so that we may have great endurance and patience. Endurance to not succumb, to stand firm in the midst of trials, to not give in to what is easy. And patience- "the bearing of annoyance, misfortune, or pain w/o complaint, loss of temper, or irritation"- self restraint, slowness in avenging wrongs, not seeking wrath or revenge, what we think is our rights. I've been hit hard with this patience thing a lot lately. Thanks Jesus! You know I need it bad! haha. When I want to snap back at someone, when I want to walk away from loving someone, when I want someone to know just what they'e done to me! (or atleast tell other people what someone has done to me for a little commiseration), I should stop in that moment. I must ask for patience. (sidenote: just had this image. Jesus, sitting around a table up in heaven with some bros, and saying, 'ugh you won't believe what that girl has done this time' and then everyone around would be like 'yeah, that girl is cray-cray, when's she gonna get her act together? why do you put up with that?'... yeah that doesn't happen. If we're with Christ our sins are forgiven and he sees us white as snow! righteous! (Col 1:22) And those that don't know Him, he's just waiting for them to come to Him and he'll be there with open arms). So God can bestow me with the ability to be patient, to love. We are empowered with the kind of love that Christ loved! Fav verse ever- Ephesians 3:20- his power is at work within us. We can love as he loved and forgive as he forgave. We can extend patience because we're forgiven much and loved much.

This is def convicting to me. I have failed at this time and time again and I will continue to fail at it time and time again. But I know that I'm a work in progress and that God will finish the work He's begun in me (Philippians 1:6). I tend to get overwhelmed by my sin and how far I feel like I have to go. But that's me being impatient again. God doesn't take us and in one second we're suddenly perfect. But I can look back on my life several months ago and see what He's done. And as long as I can continue to do that, as long as I'm moving in the right direction and growing in Him and taking his truths and applying them, then that is all he asks. I still have to convince myself that that's the truth...

shine like the stars

"Rejoice always, pray continually, giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess 5:16-18

"Do everything without complaining or arguing." Phil 2:14-15

You know, some things in the bible are up for interpretation. Some things you really have to think about to understand. Not so much here. These verses are incredibly clear, no wiggle room. Rejoice ALWAYS?? Pray CONTINUALLY? Give thanks in ALL circumstances?? Do EVERYTHING without complaining? When I'm dealing with someone difficult, when I'm in a situation that really isn't fair, when I almost get in a wreck because of someone else's mistake, when my computer breaks, when I get sick, etc, etc. I'm suppose to say, "thank ya jesus!" Thank you for the infestation of bugs in my closet right now. Thank you for the sunburn that won't stop itching. Thank you for the 40 page article I have to read by Monday. Thank you for the tear in the back of my dress that my mother noticed at the very end of the day that might have given some people a show. Yeah, sounds funny, but every situation God has something to teach me. I just have to ask God to reveal to me whatever He's got and help me glorify Him through it. I haven't quite figured out the greater purpose of the sunburn, but I'll get it. And not only thanking and not complaining, but rejoicing! Ok, and those are the bad things. What about the things I take for granted? Thank you for my bed. Thank you for my Bible where I can read these verses. Thank you for my dinner. Thank you that I can go to sleep without worrying about my safety. Thank you when I wake up in the morning. Thank you for shampoo. for a toilet. for hot water. for a roof. for family. for friends. for clothes. for a car. for a church. And the list goes on and on and on and on. So blessed. I forget it a lot. The rest of phil 2:14-15 is pretty awesome. I wanna shineeee. I got a ways to go.