Well, it's 3:30am and I may be up for the day.  Life is short, I've been reminded of that twice in the last four days.  And while I want to hold the sweet mothers that will have to watch their child being buried this week, I also am thinking, well jesus, what about us?  We have so much grief in our hearts, but we have the knowledge that they are infinitely better off now than they were because they are now in the presence of christ.  No more of the pain we experience daily from living in this broken world.  For whatever reason their time on this earth is done, and we're left here mourning their loss and waiting our turn.  In moments like this I'm reminded what my purpose here on Earth is. I've always loved this quote by Francis Chan: 

“‎Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he has made?”

Nothing.  And is that my driving force throughout the day? No... I'm living for me.  Doing the things that I need to, but no more than that so I'm left with time for me.  Spending time with the people that make me happy and avoiding those that don't.  Seeing a person for what they can do for me and if it's nothing then why waste my time. Me, me, me, me, me.  This sounds terrible but subconsciously this is how we live our lives.  We live in a culture that teaches us to do what you gotta do to take care of #1 and to not really worry about the rest.  But what an example we have in Jesus that totally fights back against that.  A savior who willingly and knowingly came to Earth to live a perfect life and die the most terribly painful death on a cross.  Not just physically, but with the weight of all the sins of the world.  Such incredible love, and I ignore him and choose earthly things over him every minute of every day.  

One of the biggest struggles in my life lately has been my singleness.  I know I wrote a blog about 6 months ago saying I was going to embrace it and love it because that's where God had me in life right now.  Well I didn't.   I bring this up because my struggle with this is so closely linked to my relationship with Christ.  In all the busyness of life, I have put him on the back burner.  I don't spend time with him so I don't know him.  I just don't trust God.  I don't want to wait for what he has planned for me, I want things to start happening now.  I think that I know better, and that what I want is better than what he has to offer. I have put my focus on so many other places than Him and it shows.    I watched a sermon awhile back by Andy Stanley on being single.  And his main point was something like 'be the person the person you're looking for is looking for'.  Before I listened to it I planned to take a passive role.  Dear God, you want me to be single now, so I'm just gonna sit back and wait and one day someone will come along.  But I want to marry a man who is so in love with Jesus and is living a life that shows it.  One that will be a spiritual leader to my family, that will help me grow in my relationship with christ instead of being a distraction away from it.  And if that's what I'm looking for, is that person going to be looking for me?  I've got much work to do.  God knows it, and he's been wonderful enough to protect me from relationships I shouldn't be in or ones I wasn't ready for up until this point. So I've decided I'm taking a hiatus from searching and focusing on the fact that I'm missing out on something in life.  Atleast for the rest of this year, no dating, no flirting, no nothing.  This is my time to really get to know him and to much more actively live a life for Him so I can love Him and love his people better.  To become a proverbs 31 woman.  

"The only one who can truly satisfy the human heart is the one who made it."