well....

I've been kind of mad at God lately... and afraid to say that out loud to anyone not knowing if that was an acceptable thing to say. I've been bitter for having the same struggles that get me down over and over again, when I wish he didn't make me that way or atleast wish that he could change those things about me. Last night at dinner I was talking to a friend about it, and she reminded me that we're in a relationship with God. That means talking about the things that are bothering us. So I'm mad? Tell Him! Maybe it's ok to have an angry conversation with God (plug for the following book, angry conversations with God that I mayyyy have just bought!). And I did.... I've done a lot of praying today. Just about everything that's been weighing on me and why I don't understand it. I still don't have those answers but I know I need to be spending a lot more time reading my Bible and praying. This afternoon, I turned on the radio and the following four songs played in succession. I really listened to the words and couldn't help think God perfectly picked those songs for me to hear right then. If you wanna hear them too (they are excellent), click on the title to go to a youtube video.

Allelujah- The Museum

When hardship comes to prey on hopes
And troubles seem to linger on
When death rolls on taking ones we love
You are the hope that keeps us on

When all this seems the battles lost

And such disease is spreading on
When life grows dark and our lips are parched
You are the hope that we sing of

When death is past and sins are gone
Alas forgiveness here is won
All daughters and sons we will stand as one
We're safe at last in the Father's love

Alleluia, Thine the glory
Alleluia, Amen
Alleluia, Thine the glory
Revive us again

Lift me Up- The Afters

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love

Suitcases- Dara Maclean

How can you move when they’re weighing you down
What can you do when you’re tied to the ground, yeah
You carry your burdens, heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there’s freedom in release

You can’t run when you’re holding suitcases
It’s a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart
Lay down your guard, you don’t have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There’s a better way when you know you’re forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don’t have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it’s like to be free
Well, send those bags packing, they’re not what you need
Abandon your troubles on the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

There’s nothing hold you back now, just run

Where I Belong- Building 429

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

Hi! Remember me? I've been pretty awful with this thing for awhile now. Maybe I'll try and be better. Update on life, just applied to 17 pediatric residency programs last week, got my first interview offer this AM, now just sitting back and waiting for more to see where I'll end up! It's scary, but also super exciting. Besides Austin, TX all of the places are in the southeast so hopefully I can keep from getting too far away. Right now I'm doing a month rotation in the pediatric ward which for the most part has been lovely. I just love the kiddies. I have 1.5 weeks there before I move onto something else.

One thing I've been convicted about recently is loving people. Totally not a new concept or a thing I've just realized I have a problem doing. Instead it was just shown to me in a new light. At community group a few weeks ago the topic of heaven was brought up. Something that really isn't talked about much at all, which is crazy. We don't know much about the details, but hello it's heaven! Perfection! All the troubles that we deal with now, gone. Worshipping Christ in person. Kind of scary to think about being in His presence? Read Revelation 4 and 5, one of my favorite parts of the Bible. So heaven=awesome. And as Christians we shall be there for eternity. Imagine eternity as a never ending line. And our life on Earth? One teeny tiny dot located on that line. So in a million billion years, think I'm going to look back and say, 'man. I'm glad I made a big deal out of the time that person hurt my feelings. Really glad I was passive aggressive and wouldn't talk to them, glad I made them feel like a bad person for what they did. Looking back on it, so worth it??' I'm thinking no... Instead what if in a million billion years I could say, hey you, I'm glad you are here with me in heaven! I really showed you the love of Christ in that situation by forgiving you and just loving you. And through that you you came to know him better or maybe even came to know him for the first time and then you did the same thing for others! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be rejoicing with my friend standing next to me, not looking back on who did me wrong when I was on Earth. Or looking back on the other things I deem so important, like fitting into my lovely Limited dress that I bought 1 year ago but now am unable to wear, or the grades I made in med school, or how delicious pizza from Papa John's is (leading to problem of being unable to wear limited dress, but that's off subject), or how exciting it was to go to the national championship game, or which social events I did and did not get an invite to, etc. It just all pales in comparision to the relationships we form and being Christ to those around us and telling others about how awesome He is because that's the kind of thing that we will take with us forever. All I do is go through my day thinking me, me, me. If I sit back and think about it, it's frightening how selfish I am. It's human nature of course, but I really need Jesus' help to overcome that human nature and live like I'm called to live. Because, its waay obvious that I can't do it on my own.

For the past 3 weeks I have been studying for the 2nd part of my boards which I take next Saturday in Birmingham. It has been rough. Times where I am way burned out and can't answer another question. Bloodshot eyes from staring at the computer screen for hours on end. Vitamin D deficiency from never seeing the light of day. Sporadic bouts of depression from my severe lack of human contact. Today my fortune cookie said "Give yourself some rest, you need it." How perfect! But one good thing about all this studying is I get constant reminders of how amazing God is. In so many ways. Have you ever thought how does a heart keep beating for 70+ years? It never takes a break. If it does, you're in big trouble. In a moment's time I'm thinking about what I want to write and somehow that's conveyed as my fingers type it away. As scary as it is learning about pregnancy and embryologic development and the multitude of things that can go wrong, how amazing is it that the vast majority of babies turn out just perfect?? I just read a quote, what if you woke up tomorrow morning and only had the things you thanked God for yesterday? Eek! When's the last time I said, thanks for the hair on my head or taste buds or fingernails? It's quite mind boggling to think that people do not believe in God. I took a whole course in college on Cell biology. A cell. The basic unit of life. And we are made of a mere 100 trillion of them. Crrrazy. Ok back to the learning!

red rain strikes again!

Sometimes when I'm in surgery and I get edged out by someone higher up on the totem pole than me so I can't see anything... or when I'm retracting while meticulous and unexciting work is being done... I daydream. About the meal I missed while being in surgery, what it will be like to not have to wake up before 5am, things like that. But also in my head, I've been constructing a list, something like '100 reasons why I will never be a surgeon.' I think 2 months of surgery rotation is just the perfect time for me, because I have liked it for the most part but anything more might just have done me in. I'm on CVT right now, and they do some boring loooong surgeries and they make you get up too early but they also do some really cool stuff. I mean, who has gotten to see/hold a beating heart inside someone's chest? ME! Today I was in surgery with a certain attending dubbed the name 'red rain.' Why? Because he likes to make it rain. There's just a little bit of pressure getting blood through the arteries, and if you have to cut into one, most surgeons like to clamp them pretty quickly or else blood goes shooting everywhere. And it can shoot pretty far, several feet. However, this surgeon is so apathetic to the event of someone else's blood jetting onto his face that he just lets it rain for a moment. Or several moments. This OR room when he was finished was not for the faint of heart and the poor resident's neck had been victimized also. I managed to get out of there unharmed. Tomorrow we have 3 surgeries, and next week we have some really cool things we'll be working on. One is a suspected teratoma they gotta cut out. If you don't know what that is, please see the following picture. tertoma . It this tumor that can contain crazy things like teeth and hair. Its digusting but also awesome. Stay tuned for my thrilling end of surgery rotation blog.

already but not yet

First thing, I am on my last rotation of 3rd year with 2 weeks to go. Crazyy. I've liked this last rotation alright (surgery), but I have missed my morning quiet time a lot. Having to be at the hospital before 6 has knocked it out. And I haven't been great about finding time later in the day to make up for it. Not that I've turned into a terrible person, but I definitely can tell a difference when I'm not spending time every day in the word. Lesson learned, life changes and you gotta roll with the punches! When I don't have to be at work til 8am and all I have to do before then is get myself ready, not too hard to wake up and read for awhile. Life won't always be like that but I should never put my #1 on the back burner.

Last week at church we talked about Romans 7. Paul says "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." Amen, brother! I have always read this and thought, thats exactly how I feel! But for the first time I thought about WHO was saying this. Paul. The man who wrote a majority of the New Testament. The man who traveled all over telling people about Christ. The man who was beaten, stoned, and put in prison for Christ. The man who loved Jesus so much he longed for death to be with Him. The man who eventually became a martyr for his faith. Wow! I would have not thought I could relate to that guy. You'd think he would never mess up! But he struggled with the same exact thing every other Christian struggles with- our flesh. We are new creations in Christ, but we are slightly schizophrenic, 2 personalities in one. Flesh vs Spirit. Vs 25 says "I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." Sin goes and takes advantage of our flesh weakness because it can. It's a constant battle pulling us in the exact opposite direction of where we want/need to go. I often feel guilty because I just can't seem to get certain things right. I'll say I need to stop a certain sin, and then later on I find myself doing just that. Or else there's something I know I need to be doing, and yet I don't do it.

So yeah, that kind of sucks. But yey! I read a commentary that said if I can identify with Paul in this, I am blessed! When we struggle that hardly means we aren't living for Him, it's only proof that we are longing to live in Christ because we recognize the sin in our life. In fact, the Christian that doesn't see the struggle is more alarming. We have to hate sin before we are to turn from it. Until we reach the end of ourselves we aren't going to look to God. What if we all agonized over our condition like Paul did?

So what do we do? How do we fix it? Well, we can't. But good news, He can! I loved this analogy... A woman was once paralyzed in a diving accident and taken into the hospital. As she was lying on the bed, the sheet covering her body fell off exposing her to those in the room. She desperately wanted to cover herself but couldn't do it in her own power. So I have these silly sins in my life I want to fix. Turns out, I can't fix them myself. As much as I try like this woman did, my body will not do what I want it to, and worse, it's obeying something else! We do what we despise, and what we desire we can't accomplish. We cannot and will not be able to do it on our own. It'll only lead to frustration and failure. It's all about the grace. I don't have what it takes to get my heart to where I want it to be, so who will rescue me if I can't do it in my own efforts? Thanks be to God- thought Jesus Christ our Lord! He can deliver me and everytime I get to the place of sin I must depend on Him and cry out, I can't do it but you can! He will empower me to live differently and experience victory. I still will fall and thats OK, because I can get back up again and rely on Him to keep me moving towards being conformed to be like Jesus. Day by day being made new.

I am already new in Christ but not yet to the finish line. But He will complete what he began. God's intention is not to leave me in the power of sin but He wants me to be transformed. Slowly but surely.

colossians

I recently finished a girl's bible study on the book of colossians. I adore the woman that has been leading the bible study, God uses her to teach me things that make me smile because it's something I so needed to hear THAT day. The last night was over colossians 3 and 4 which is a lot of goodness, but the beginning says we must set our hearts on things above, and put to death the things that we used to hold close- 'sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed'. When you put it that way, I want to put to death those things too! They sound pretty yucky but obviously can have quite the appeal or else I wouldn't be needing to put anything to death. He goes on to list some more things- 'anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language'.

The one that got me most was slander. Making a damaging/ malicious statement against someone. I love ephesians 4:29 which says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." But do I do this? Nope! I should only be speaking of others in a way that builds them up, choosing NOT to say anything that will hurt their reputation. Whether that's a mean resident/attending in the hospital or a friend that has hurt my feelings or a complete stranger that may have done something that I could make fun of... we've all heard it best said- if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all! One point that really got me, who are the people in my life that I should only talk to God about? I have a great Christian girlfriend and I find myself talking to her about things or people I have struggles with, and I use the excuse that I am looking for advice when deep down I'm just wanting to vent. I got to learn my lesson with this just a few days after the bible study. And it ended in someone getting their feelings hurt and me feeling just awful about it. When if I would have remembered ephesians 4:29 and remembered that I should only go to God when I have frustrations with another person, I would have not hurt a really great friend. I should never make someone pay for the sins they committed against me. Whether that be me going and talking to someone else about them, or refusing to forgive them, or giving them the cold shoulder, etc... I must remember that God never made me pay for the sins I committed, instead he paid them for me.

Another point made was there are 2 ways to live the Christian life. One is defeated- giving in to a certain sin because you believe it is just too hard to give up. And second is victorious- knowing at every decision point he can enable us not to sin! How great is that? Not that we won't sin, because we sure still do. But we do have the power deep within, Christ's power, to say no to the temptation. We're still human so the flesh will always be trying to drag us in the opposite direction. I can think of many times in the past week where I've been at the decision point to not say something hurtful to someone's character. Just at dinner tonight I can think of several instances! I have the voice saying in my head, ehhhh you could probably just keep this one to yourself! Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I need the strength in those moments to depend on the Holy Spirit to empower me not to take the bait and sin.

vs 12-14

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with

compassion (deep awareness of other's needs),

kindness (actively caring for others, not looking for us to be cared for),

humility (knowing we're in the same spot as everyone else, I am no better than them),

gentleness and patience (not expecting others to be sanctified at the speed I think they should be).

¹³Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I haven't posted in awhile, life changed pretty drastically three weeks ago when I started surgery. Went from 5 hour days to 13 hour days. Went from working one weekend on psych for an average of 4 hours, to being on 24 hour call every 4th day. So I've already done 5 days of 6am-6am, only one more to go, woo! So yeah, surgery has been quite the time commitment! I was worried about being miserable, but I've kinda liked it! I've spent most of my time so far on Trauma, where we wait around for trauma alerts to come in. This is anything from a wreck to a gunshot wound to a fall that is critical enough that it deserves a lot of attention. When you are a trauma alert, either EMS or an ambulance brings you to the hospital. They roll you in and you get moved to the trauma bay bed. Immediately all your clothes are cut off and about 10 people stand around you (with more watching), poking you to see where you hurt, asking you questions (if you can answer them), sticking you with needles, yelling things to each other- 'breath sounds clear and equal! pelvis stable! C spine clear!' Then if you are stable they roll you off the CT and Xray too if you need it. If you're not stable you might have to be taken back to emergency surgery. Then from there, broken bones are fixed, lacerations are sutured, internal injuries are monitored to make sure they don't worsen... It's not a place anyone wants to end up. I mean, you'll get good care. But you never want to have to be there. I've made a mental list of things I should NEVER DO that I might avoid ever being a trauma alert. They include

#1- going seat belt-less. The majority of the people we see are unrestrained drivers or passengers, sometimes ejected sometimes not. And probably the people that did wear seat belts that come in would be dead at the scene without it! It's just crazy. It's such a simple thing!! I had that drilled into my brain as a kid, so it's never been a problem for me. I can remember my sister bursting into tears when she was little because my mother had started backing out of the driveway and she didn't have her seat belt on yet.

#2- ride a motorcycle. These things are death machines, people. Don't do it! ATVs also very bad news.

#3- hang out with the wrong crowd- gunshot wounds and stab wounds galore.

#4- go to a gas station at night- there have been several gas stations that have been robbed lately. Also good rule of thumb, don't go anywhere at any time of the day near USA hospital.

#5- dont be drunk and do stupid things. Driving for starters, like this one dude that was drunk and drove off a bridge. Or think that you are coordinated enough to stand on something high off the ground. You aren't, you're gonna fall off, trust me. Drugs go in this category too. There's a terribly sick patient who got hit by a car who probably had drugs on board.

#6- don't breed evil. I saw a woman who had 2 huge slashes on her face that were bleeding a lot. Why? Her daughter cut her. Frightening...

#7- for the love of all things good and pure, definitely don't combine any of these things!! That's even more recipe for disaster!

It's sad. A lot of these people won't ever be normal again. There's many of them that have limited to no brain function, living off machines. It's scary how in a second your life and everyone around you's life can change so drastically. And it can happen to anyone... so be careful out there! And there's exceptions to the rules. The only pediatric trauma alert we had was a boy who had gotten hit by a car. Even though he wasn't able to talk after first coming in, I got pretty attached to him in the 3 hours I was there. Made me remember how much cooler kids are than adults. I went to go visit him last week at the children's hospital and thankfully he's doing a lot better so hopefully he'll be ok.

I still have 5 more weeks of surgery, but I think I'm gonna make it without losing my mind or becoming too depressed.